Chapter 1.1: Arrival in Bridgeport

AN: this post contains some pictures of a NSFW nature.
And thank you to MinghamSmith for the blog title. :)

   A yellow cab slowed to a halt outside of one of the small buildings on the edges of Bridgeport, prompting the two passengers within to exit. A black clad, stern faced man unceremoniously dropped the driver's fee into his outstretched and expectant hand before climbing out. The other passenger, a young bleached blonde woman, stared distastefully at the mint green colour of the walls.
   '...It's disgusting,' she complained.
   'Oh for God's sake Pandora, don't start whining already,' her male companion irritably sighed, as they jointly crossed the threshold. Their first stop was to the new computer they had bought for the single bedroom, placed near the double bed. A few clicks of the mouse later and he was satisfied to learn that they were then both gainfully employed! Pandora had nagged him to death to get her into the acting career, wanting nothing more than to be a superstar director, making him do plenty of research before their move. He himself, however, had been gained by a man known as Wogan Hemlock, doing rather unscrupulous things of a less than legal variety. Perfect.

   'Whatever.' Pandora rolled her eyes the moment he companion retrieved his wand from the depths of a pocket, and began casting a few practise spells with it, causing her to grumble at how she was going to get started with her workout, but on second thoughts perhaps her attention would be better placed to making something for them to eat, before he raided the fridge and practised conversion rituals on all of the fruit and vegetables in the fridge. 

   'Shh, I'll improve. You'll see; I've only just begun, and yet I'm still more practised than you.'

   'Yeah, because I don't give a fuck about magic, Iggy,' Pandora retorted.

   'Ignatius. Not Iggy,' he grumbled, and spotted visitors outside. 

   The shrill screech of the doorbell startled Pandora, flushing a little with embarrassment as she jumped.

   'Fuck, that thing needs replacing!'

   'Good morning, fine madam. My name is Ignatius de Venetia,' Ignatius greeted, bowing to the rather bemused looking woman who had visited. 

   '...Nice to meet you? I'm Cressida. This is Buster,' the woman replied, and motioned to the rather dishevelled looking man nearby.

   'A pleasure to meet you both,' Ignatius trilled. 'My wife is inside, if you'd like to come and meet her.'

   'I'll come in later, I gotta practise for work,' Buster said, and withdrew a guitar. As he slung the strap over one shoulder, Cressida chuckled.

   'The boss riding you hard, is she?'

   'I wish! If that got out, the money Lola could give me would last a lifetime,' Buster snorted, and strummed out a few chords. 

   Pandora looked dismissively at the other woman in the house in astonishment as she changed into athletic clothes, and began working out in the middle of the house. No hello-how-are-yous or other pleasantries, just taking "come in" as "feel free to exercise and stink yourself up in our breathing space". 

   'Oi!' Pandora barked, apparently oblivious to the fact her husband was on his phone, trying to have a conversation with someone. 'What d'you think you're doing?!'

   'Just...having a quick workout - I didn't think you'd mind,' Cressida tried to explain.

   'Yeah, well I don't want some strange ugly-ass bitch invading my house and stinking up the living room! Fuck off!' Pandora snapped. 

   Ignatius threw his hands up and sighed. He would intervene, but there was no reasoning with his dramatic diva of a wife, and quite frankly, he could not be bothered. He chose instead to go outside and await the arrival of someone he wanted, and perhaps needed, to charm. 

   'Venetia?' a voice called.

   'de Venetia, but close enough,' Ignatius corrected, and clasped the newcomer's hand. 'Good to meet you sir. Much to his dismay, it was only a few minutes after the arrival of his boss that Cressida came outside to watch Buster's playing, followed by a still raging Pandora. 

   'Boooooooooooo! Fuck youuuuuuu, air stinker!' she heckled. Cressida, to her credit, ignored the obnoxious yelling and did her best to enjoy the music. 

   'Your clothes look like shit!'

   However, when that garnered her no attention, she decided to sing as loudly as possible to "accompany" Buster's guitar playing.

   'That's it!' Wogan had been scared off, and to save Buster and Cressida any more harassment, he told them it would be better if they left. Then he grabbed his wife's arm tightly, ignoring her protests as he dragged her back inside. 'Go and work out for fuck's sake. I'm going to go and play with my new chemistry set.'

   'Our neighbours are pricks, Iggy!' she called after him.

   'Oh hell yes. Science time.'

   Careful, careful. Ignatius kept his notes jotted down on a clipboard by the table, determined to crack the secrets the chemicals had to offer. Perhaps one more addition, and he might learn the stink juice potion. A mere beginner potion, but certainly a step in the direction of greatness. Poof! Chemical added, potion created and - shit shit shit shit shit SHIT.

   Attempt one: less than successful.

   'What smells like burning hair?' By the time the miniature explosion had taken place, Pandora had finished her workout, and was drenched in sweat. She had heard the boom from the bedroom, smelt the accompanying..."aroma" and decided to investigate. 'Oh my God! You're a mess! I know I told you to wax but I didn't mean burn it off! God, you're stupid!'

  'This is how you're going to earn yourself "greatness"? "Oooh look at me, I stink like fuck and am covered in soot like a nudist Santa making an out of season visit, love me!"'

   'You don't exactly smell so great yourself! Take a damn shower!'

   'Wanna shower together?'

   Ignatius held back a sigh at his unpredictable wife. If he showered first, she would bitch and complain nonstop about the time it was taking him to get clean. If she showered first, she would take even longer than he would. At least showering together would get some fun out of it...

   '...Why not?'

   Hurrying downstairs again, Ignatius leapt into the shower, stripping off his boxers and awaited his wife. 

   'Hey guys, can I borrow your bathro-'

   '- Awesome.'

   'Get the fuck out of here, oh my God!'

   'Who the hell do you think you are, just barging into someone's bathroom when you know we're in here?! You disgusting pervert!'

   'I'm going to call the cops if you don't leave right this second!'

   'Lady, it was an accident!'

   'You just want to see me naked!'

   'I - well. Um. You're a bitch.'

   'Oh hey no, that's fine. Everyone come into the bathroom, it's not like my husband told you to fuck off earlier or anything. Nah, this is cool, we can have a foursome.'

   Unsurprisingly, Buster and Cressida finally left for good shortly afterwards. Ignarius and Pandora were able to enjoy their shower, but for some reason, the latter did not seem in a hurry to get dressed again.

   'I think you were a little harsh on our new neighbours, Pandora.'

   'Oh nooo, I told off some perverts, whatever will we do!' she shot back, holding a hand to her mouth in a sarcastic gesture of remorse. Before the brewing argument could escalate any further, Ignatius' bladder, which had been pretty full for a while now, decided "fuck it. I give in."

   '...I swear, if you laugh at this...' he began, humiliation sweeping across him.

   'I thought you were potty trained!' Pandora heckled. 'I am not joining you in the shower this time, that's so gross!'

   'Shut the fuck up you bitch!'

   'Whatever. At least I can hold onto my bladder.'

   'While I'm showering, perhaps you could put some clothes on,' Ignatius icily suggested. 

   'Or I could just go to bed naked. That works too,' she shrugged, leaving her empty plate on the table, and skipped upstairs. 

   '...This is going to be a nightmare,' her husband muttered to himself.