Chapter 1.6: Worst Family in the World

   'Babababababababa!'
   'Yeah yeah, I know,' Pandora sighed, going over to lift her son up.

   As soon as she picked Renatus up, he let out a mischievous giggle...followed by a fart.
   'Ew! Oh God, that's nasty!'

   'This is so fucking gross,' Pandora complained, as she helped her son to undress and plonked him down on the potty. 'Ugh, the sooner you can poo on your own, the better.'

   'Mumumumumum,' Renatus babbled, peering up at her.
   'Yeah. Hi.'

   'What the fuck?! How did you turn formula into that?!' she yelped, as a terrible stench wafted in range of her nostrils. Pinching her nose shut, she held her breath, held the potty bag at arm's length, and hurried to practically throw it in the bin.

   She had hoped to palm Renatus off onto Ignatius after getting washed, fed and dressed, but he in turn palmed her off, reminding her that he had work to do. Grumbling, Pandora trudged back upstairs. She had things to do too!

   Trying to muster some enthusiasm, she clapped at Renatus, who gleefully joined in.

   'Come to Mummy!' she cooed, as they extended their arms to one another.

   'Nah, just kidding. I wanted your lolly.'

   Unsurprisingly, Renatus responded by bursting into tears, kicking his little legs around.

   When Pandora managed to calm him  down by returning his stolen candy, she noticed that he was giving her a look that she never would have expected to see on a toddler. 

   'Wow. That's creepy. Okay Renny, uh, now you have your lolly back, what shall we do?'

   Deciding it would be better if he could actually respond, Pandora sat down with him, and began to teach him how to talk. It was slow progress as Pandora kept getting bored and going downstairs, leaving Renatus in his barely furnished nursery, alone. 

   Ignatius had been hard at work throughout the afternoon, and his potion making backfired in the evening, prompting him to run outside and leave on the lawn because someone was in the bathroom.

   Although it had to be said she had good reason to be hogging it; she had discovered that for a second time, she was pregnant.

   Pandora had changed into a fancy robe she had bought for giggles, and rubbed at her stomach, feeling ambivalent. 

   'Either offer some advice or fuck off,' she snapped at the maid, who promptly chose the latter option. Just in time, as an overwhelming sense of nausea swept across Pandora.

   'Ugghhh...her royal highness needs to puke!' she gasped, before kneeling in front of her porcelain "throne".

   'Have you put Renatus to bed?' Ignatius asked, once the pair of them had retired to their own bedroom.

   'Yup,' Pandora replied, and rolled over.

   'Thank you. I'll spend more time with him, I promise,' Ignatius said. 'Goodnight.'

   'Mrrph.'

   The following morning was one of great importance, but also a source of displeasure. True to his promise, Ignatius was planning on spending time with his first born son after getting himself washed, dressed and fed, but during breakfast, a distraction took his mind from Renatus.

   His birthday.

   Older, but not necessarily any wiser, he checked out his reflection in the mirror. Ugh. He looked...middle aged. He felt it too. No! he scolded himself. Don't think like that, you're still a young man. You just need to prove it!

   He hurried up the stairs, forcing himself not to focus on how it seemed more difficult to do so and hauled Pandora into his arms. She shrieked, looking surprised, and wriggled out of his grasp when he went in for a kiss.

   'Uh wow, no. I'm so not in the mood,' she grimaced.

   '...Why not?'

   'Yeah, uh, I'm pregnant again.'

   'You are?' Ignatius' eyes lit up with the news.

   'Can I feel it?' he asked, proffering his hands to her bump.

   'No you cannot!' Pandora snapped, swiping at them. 'I don't want to be pawed.'

   '...Fine,' Ignatius growled, and headed into the nursery. 'At least you're not repelled by a little contact!' he cooed to Renatus, who sure enough accepted his cuddles happily.

   'Who's my little man? Who's Daddy's little boy? It's Renatus! Yes it is!'

   'We're going to spend the day together, my boy. Just you and Daddy. Won't that be wonderful?' Ignatius asked. He received his answer, when Renatus' stomach turned itself inside out. All over his father's head.

   Pandora actually agreed to a favour. Once she had finished laughing at her husband's misfortune at the hands of baby puke, she agreed to take Ignatius' potions to the consignment store to sell, and buy any recipe books that were on offer. He was surprised at her lack of protests, but truth be told Pandora was simply glad to get outside; she had been stuck inside the house for longer than she wanted to think of, and was going a little stir crazy. 

   She saw a flirting couple once she got there. A man who looked like a wannabe rapper had recently had his own birthday as well, turning into a young adult, Lil Bling, was there with his girlfriend. Pandora had no idea who she was, nor did she care. Lil Bling on the other hand, was a minor celebrity. She barged over and introduced herself. 

   At the house, learning to walk was going successfully.

   'Come on, my wobbly little boy!' Ignatius encouraged. 

   Far more successfully than Pandora's attempt to get served.

   'Hey!' What does it take to get some service around here?!' she yelled, as one of the register workers sighed and headed over. 

   'How can I help you?' she questioned, biting back her irritation.

   'Finally,' Pandora whined. 'I have some elixirs to sell on behalf of my husband.'

   She passed them over, as well as grabbing a few books and was about to leave when something caught her eye. She froze, staring at it. 

   '...I'll take that too.'

   'Oh for fuck's sake!'

   Conversion charms were hard. It seemed she was completely incapable of converting things into anything of remote value, and it was getting on her nerves. She had been practising spell casting sans wand, and it was a lot more difficult than she had anticipated. Raising her hands again, she prepared to give it another go.

   When the spell backfired once more, it knocked her back a step, temporarily dazing her. The emerald on the table had been obliterated too. Pandora shook her head, and conjured a poisonous apple. Setting it on the kitchen counter, she decided to give it one more go. 

   When it turned into a seed, she picked it up and inspected it.

   Yep, it was a seed alright. Perhaps she should give it to Ignatius to look at.

   However he was still busy trying to coax Renatus into taking his first unaided steps, and when he had to stop to tend to his own needs, Benedict was more than happy to keep him company.

   Renatus stopped bashing his toy for a moment and looked at the kitty that had appeared in front of him. He reached out a hand, and made a noise of protest when he realised Benedict was just out of reach.

   He took a few steps closer, albeit rather cautiously, and allowed himself to be petted. Thankfully he seemed quite calm about the fact said petting consisted of a few wobbly pats on the head.

   Renatus then grew bored, deciding that the best thing to do was to put his xylophone beater in his mouth. The plastic felt strange against his teeth.

   Wanting to get some more attention, Benedict sprawled himself out on the carpet, stretching out as far as he could.

   He let out a meow, reaching his claws towards Renatus' other toy.

   Then he twisted himself back around to look at the baby, as though wondering why his cute antics had not earned him more attention. 

   Pandora had changed her maternity wear as her belly grew. The medieval-esque royalty outfit she had bought was not suited for a growing baby belly and subsequently made her feel like a fat woman being shoved into clothing for kids. It had been a relief when she managed to wriggle out of it.

   She had just sat down to answer a call of nature, when -

   'Not now baby, I need a piss!'

   Unfortunately for her, her baby was not prepared to wait, and her waters broke, amniotic fluid mingling with a suspicious puddle that had already formed on the floor thanks to the fact the toilet was broken and neither Ignatius or Pandora had yet been bothered to fix it.

   She hobbled out of the bathroom, and found herself seized by contractions again. She yelled out loud, under the menacingly watchful eye of the maid. 

   A rather gloomy-faced Ignatius came downstairs, still sulking over hitting middle aged, and seemed to not even notice his wife's labour, nor the fact her uterus fluids were leaking out underneath the door. Somehow.

   Benedict hopped up onto the table and curled up for a nap as Ignatius headed over towards the fridge. The maid seemed content to merely watch Pandora struggle, as she screamed and swore at them all to stop what they were doing right this minute and help her out. 

   Pandora threw her husband a death glare, making a mental note to get payback, as the maid creepily stared at the slumbering cat. 

   'Oh God, please someone take me to hospital!' Pandora begged.

   'Now!'

   'Shit, shit, shit, here it comes!' she squealed, relieved at the pain lessening at last. 

   After a few more minutes of huffing and puffing, another baby boy had been squeezed out into the world. Pandora held him to her chest, peering into his little blue blanket. 

   'Hello there, Varius,' she softly said.

   'Hello!' waved the maid.

   'Mrrlo,' Ignatius "said".

   'Man, I am hungry,' Pandora then announced, dumping the baby down on the counter without really paying attention. She then hurried over to the fridge and peered inside -

   - only to hear a shrill, horrific shriek.

   'What the fuck are you doing?!' Ignatius bellowed. 

   He hauled Varius off the stove and clutched him to his chest. He cast a quick healing charm over his son, and cuddled him to soothe his tears.

   'There, there. Daddy's here,' he murmured. 

   'It's okay. You're alright now. Let's get you settled down in bed.' He carried Varius carefully upstairs, and nestled him down in his crib. He gave his son one final check to make sure he was now okay after Pandora's mind boggling act of negligence, and stormed back downstairs. 

He withdrew a white glove from a pocket, and whipped it around her face.

   'Never do that again!'

   'What the shit?! Since when do you hit people with gloves?!' a complete and utterly bemused Pandora spluttered. 

   'I thought it was the counter!'

   'That doesn't make it any better! Did you forget everything I said after you placed our first son down somewhere ridiculous?!'

   'Oh like I listen to you.'

   'Well you are going to learn to start, or else -' Ignatius began, cut off when his wife flew at him.

   'Come on then!' Ignatius jeered, holding his fists up. She then did. 

   From behind, and tackled him back down to the floor. 

   Ignatius then flopped to the floor in utter humiliation as his wife won the fight. 

   'Oww...' he hissed, holding his back. He put it down to his age, rather than the fact he had not been working out as much as he should have been, whereas she had. No, she simply had the advantage of being younger. Damn it.

   She watched as he stalked off to bed, and remembered the extra item she had bought at the consignment store and not told anyone about. She withdrew it from her pocket, glad that it had survived the fight; God knows what would have happened if it ended up breaking. Maybe they both would have been affected. She chuckled to herself; now that would have been interesting. Not as interesting as if it was just for her alone, though...

   She threw it down to her feet, the glass smashing. 

   Her eyes widened as a red mist flew up from the shards of the bottle, surrounding her. It then absorbed itself into her body, working its magic on her. She hurried upstairs and changed into her nightwear, grinning to herself as she thought what Ignatius would think when he saw her the following morning. 

   ...After all, how many mortal men could say that they had a vampire for a wife?